Filled With Awe

About a month and a half ago, the minister spoke from Acts 2:42-47 (a familiar passage, indeed). This time, I was struck by the phrase, "Everyone was filled with awe...." I highlighted it, turned to my wife, and said, "that's what's missing." From that moment, I started asking God to fill me with awe again.  A handful of weeks later, I lost my job. Not quite the awesome I had in mind, to be sure.

The last couple weeks were pretty rough, not knowing where food or rent would come from. Within the past few days, however, God has shown us how He has not abandoned us!  We qualified for food stamps; we qualified for Medi-Cal; we qualified for free lunch at my daughter's school; we are able to get my son into a free preschool; I qualified for unemployment; and, to top it all off, what was a side job for a while has just blossomed into a serious income. Those of you who know me can appreciate how amazing it is to have been given not just another J.O.B., but something that is almost everything I could ask for.

And I can't claim credit for any of it!

"'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty."
 - Zechariah 4:6


I don't deserve any of this. All I've done is beg for mercy and fast for brokenness. While I believe there is a kind of connection between this and God's blessings, I can't be dogmatic or treat it like some kind of if/then equation. God has simply shown mercy and been good to me!

When you live with depression, times like these are indescribably refreshing. All I want to do is tell people how good God really is!  I am humbled by and ashamed of my lack of faith in His goodness when things seemed darkest; but, I am so very encouraged by how His love, mercy, goodness, and all the rest don't waiver no matter how much I do!


Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him, 
   we will also live with him; 
if we endure, 
   we will also reign with him. 
If we disown him, 
   he will also disown us; 
if we are faithless, 
   he remains faithful, 
   for he cannot disown himself.
 - 2 Timothy 2:11-13

It Doesn't Last

I was thinking today that maybe part of the problem is that it doesn't last. When I read Exodus 19:8 this morning, I started thinking about how the Israelites' wanderings very accurately encapsulate the wanderings of humans in general.  The Israelites were so happy and eager to pledge to obey God fully at this point because they had just witnessed some huge miracles (plagues, parting of the Red Sea, destruction of their enemies) and had just been freed from captivity! Over the ensuing centuries, though, they develop a pattern:

1. Get blessed by God - respond with gratitude and devotion.
2. Go a while without a new, major blessing (as we see it) - start wandering in self.
3. Get into a heap of trouble - turn to God for help.
4. Get rescued by God - respond with gratitude and devotion.
5. Rinse, repeat,....

Sadly(!), I can relate. That's why I'm thankful I have God's Word and other people to remind me of God's blessings and provisions. What if the feelings from the blessing could just last, though? Would I always have that sense of gratitude and devotion, which leads to faithfulness, joy, peace, etc.? Seems like that would be better, doesn't it?

On the other hand, maybe it's better that the feelings don't last, because then the pain, fear, etc., would last as well.

So, on the one hand, I have Satan working constantly to make my life miserable; and, on the other hand, I have God's protection, provision, etc., plus the Bible to remind me of how awesome God is. The Bible truly is my power source.

The trick is plugging into my power source regularly and often. It's kind of like I'm the Green Lantern ring, and the Bible is the lantern. If I go too long without recharging, I'm powerless, and the enemy kicks my butt! If, however, I stay plugged into my power source, though the feelings do not last, I can not be defeated!



Your word is a lamp to my feet 
   and a light for my path. 
I have taken an oath and confirmed it, 
   that I will follow your righteous laws. 
I have suffered much; 
   preserve my life, O LORD, according to your word. 
Accept, O LORD, the willing praise of my mouth, 
   and teach me your laws. 
Though I constantly take my life in my hands, 
   I will not forget your law. 
The wicked have set a snare for me, 
   but I have not strayed from your precepts. 
Your statutes are my heritage forever; 
   they are the joy of my heart. 
My heart is set on keeping your decrees 
   to the very end.
 - Psalm 119:105-112

Longing

Desire. Yearning. Groaning. Longing. My constant companions.

I've been taught that the Christian life is not just the most, but the only truly fulfilling way to live. And it's true: I have definitely known fulfillment and satisfaction beyond what I have imagined. Nothing compares to having a personal relationship with the one, true God, and being able to participate in how he powerfully transforms people. Yet the longing doesn't go away.

For a long time I felt guilty, thinking there was something wrong with me, or maybe Christianity itself. The problem, though, is that I was never truly taught how to groan as a Christian:

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.
2 Corinthians 5:1-4

This whole life is "meanwhile."  It is normal to groan in this life; it's not supposed to be ultimately fulfilling (Matthew 6:34). No matter how good something may be, it doesn't last. It rusts, ages, decays, passes, etc. As a spiritual being (Genesis 1:27), I will never find true and lasting satisfaction in this life; as a Christian, I know why. As someone who lives with depression, it is all so much more magnified and poignant (Proverbs 13:12). So, every day, all day long, is a constant battle between my natural thoughts and feelings of dissatisfaction and remembering how much worse it could be, as well as how unimaginably amazing it will one day be.

It can get a bit tiring, but it's my lot.  When I Get To Heaven, though, the fight will be over, and I will have won!

Why, God?

Seriously. It does rather beg the question, does it not? I struggle/live with depression; have all my life. Doctors, psychologists, and psychiatrists have confirmed it. It is not a choice; it is a scientific, medical "challenge." (Hey, where are my reserved parking spaces?) Anyway....

So, despite being a man who truly loves and walks with God, I have this...condition.  At the very least, God has allowed it; or, God may have deliberately created me like this (1 Corinthians 11:12). The fact that every single day is a battle to not descend into the darkest depths is according to God's will. So...why, God? I mean seriously, what's up with that?!

(I want to take a moment here to recognize that many people have challenges with which they live every day; and, if depression is not yours, you probably still struggle with some of the same questions.)

While I can't say for sure (Isaiah 55:8-9), here are some of the things I've found to help me with this question:

I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
 - 2 Corinthians 12:5-10

   As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
   “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him....
  After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes.“Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.
 - John 9:1-3,6-7

Now, I'd be lying if I said I just always naturally love delighting in my struggles for Christ's sake; but, it is pretty cool to think that God can be glorified through my life. Plus, the times I get to see how sufficient God's grace is for me are pretty awesome.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
 - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I am obviously not the only one who lives with this burden; so, it is pretty cool to think I can actually help someone else with the help I receive.

The Bible is literally chock-full of these kinds of truths for our encouragement and benefit (the Psalms are excellent in this arena!). These three passages come immediately to mind, maybe because they impact me the most.

So that's it. Why did God cause or allow me to live with depression? Among other things, I get to experience his grace first hand; I get to see his power in my life; and, I get to comfort others with the comfort I have received. I think I can handle that.

"Humans, man!"

This is a quote from the TV show, "Supernatural."  After all the monsters, witches, ghosts, demons, etc., they encountered, Dean Winchester found humans to be the most horrifying.  Forgive me, but I understand his feelings.  As a Christian, I know -- I KNOW -- how it could be, how it should be.  I then must face each day the way it is...knowing why it is.

Now the whole world had one language and a common speech....But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower the people were building. The LORD said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them."
 - Genesis 11:1,5-6

If we truly chose unity over self, there is nothing we could not accomplish!  This is how it could be.  The very next verse shows God's reaction: "Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other."

Why would he not allow us to keep this kind of unity?


The LORD saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. The LORD regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.
 - Genesis 6:5-6

This is how it is.  That kind of powerful unity fueled by evil, self-serving intent?  Yeah, that would be bad.  Truth is, everything that is wrong in this world -- everything! -- is our fault.  For one thing, Jesus said poverty would always exist (Mark 14:7).  Why?  The problem is not that there aren't enough of life's necessities to go around; the problem is that we seem to forget, as we "grow up," what our parents teach us about sharing.

As a dreamer who lives with depression (yes, as a matter of fact, this is a fascinating paradox to manage), the realities of how we live for self and treat each other in this "dog-eat-dog," "every man for himself" world are sometimes too much to bear.

I really don't know how God stands it....

Christian Mythology

There are many misconceptions out there today about Christianity. From straight-up false doctrines to perceptions of Christians as a whole, sadly, almost all of these misconceptions come from one person having something wrong and "infecting" someone else, and it just spreading from there. One common perception of Christians as a whole is that we think we're better than other people. I don't know which I hate more: the existence of this perception or the reality that we can, in fact, come across that way all too easily. I myself am guilty of this, though hopefully I've grown at least a little in this area. At this point, I think the bumper sticker says it just as well as anything: "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."

In my booklet I talk about how the apostle Paul truly understood two seemingly contradictory truths: (1) his own wretched, putrid sinfulness AND (2) God’s love for him. He grasped, deep down in his heart and soul, how revolting he was in himself due to his sin AND the fact that God loved him beyond measure anyway!

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.

 - 1 Timothy 1:12-16

As for me, I have a much easier time grasping the reality of my sinfulness than I do God's amazing, gracious love. Living with depression greatly amplifies this challenge...which means I can have a very hard time responding properly (Luke 7:36-47)...which leads to my missing out on the true joy of being a Christian...which can all become one viscous cycle.

Needless to say, it is a battle.  Thankfully, though, God has never given up on me, and he never will.  And, with his help and the encouragement of my wife and friends, I will never give up on him.

Depression, Itself

So, what exactly is this thing we call, "depression?"  This explanation was the one I liked most (the others sounded far too...intense), taken from PsychologyInfo.com:


Depression is a "whole-body" illness, involving your body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way you eat and sleep, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you think about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression.


The symptoms of depression may vary from person to person, and also depend on the severity of the depression. Depression causes changes in thinking, feeling, behavior, and physical well-being. 

• Changes in Thinking - You may experience problems with concentration and decision making. Some people report difficulty with short term memory, forgetting things all the time. Negative thoughts and thinking are characteristic of depression. Pessimism, poor self-esteem, excessive guilt, and self-criticism are all common. Some people have self-destructive thoughts during a more serious depression.
• Changes in Feelings - You may feel sad for no reason at all. Some people report that they no longer enjoy activities that they once found pleasurable. You might lack motivation, and become more apathetic. You might feel "slowed down" and tired all the time. Sometimes irritability is a problem, and you may have more difficulty controlling your temper. In the extreme, depression is characterized by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
• Changes in Behavior - Changes in behavior during depression are reflective of the negative emotions being experienced. You might act more apathetic, because that's how you feel. Some people do not feel comfortable with other people, so social withdrawal is common. You may experience a dramatic change in appetite, either eating more or less. Because of the chronic sadness, excessive crying is common. Some people complain about everything, and act out their anger with temper outbursts. Sexual desire may disappear, resulting in lack of sexual activity. In the extreme, people may neglect their personal appearance, even neglecting basic hygiene. Needless to say, someone who is this depressed does not do very much, so work productivity and household responsibilities suffer. Some people even have trouble getting out of bed.
• Changes in Physical Well-being - We already talked about the negative emotional feelings experienced during depression, but these are coupled with negative physical emotions as well. Chronic fatigue, despite spending more time sleeping, is common. Some people can't sleep, or don't sleep soundly. These individuals lay awake for hours, or awaken many times during the night, and stare at the ceiling. Others sleep many hours, even most of the day, although they still feel tired. Many people lose their appetite, feel slowed down by depression, and complain of many aches and pains. Others are restless, and can't sit still.

Now imagine these symptoms lasting for weeks or even months. Imagine feeling this way almost all of the time....

Like I recently explained to a good friend from years ago, I’ve come a LOOONG way from where I was back in the day; but, I’ve also come to the realization recently that this little monkey will never truly be off my back.  So, why not face it head on!  (I have to admit, it makes me feel incredibly...exposed sharing it like this; but, I think it’s a good thing.  I guess I'll find out ;) )

Living A Paradox

How do you reconcile being a true Christian yet still struggling with "feeling down" every day -- especially when, not only do you have the blessings and promises that come from a relationship with God, but your earthly circumstances just really aren't that bad?  How do you deal with the fact that the vast majority of the people in your church do not understand (or try to) and tend to think there's something wrong with you spiritually, or that you should just "snap out of it," etc.?  How do you handle being a man who *feels* rather deeply and intensely, when most men experience only four feelings: hungry, tired, angry, and horny?

A few months ago, I started a blog called When I Get To Heaven, because I thought that that encapsulated my personal, spiritual battlefield.  I have since realized, however, that focusing on heaven is paramount, but it is actually only one weapon in the overall war.  We all share common struggles.  We all have our personal battles as well.  This is mine.  For this reason, I have decided to transition to this blog.  Hopefully, if this is your struggle as well, we will both benefit from my sharing as I fight.  If it is not yours, perhaps you will benefit anyway; or, maybe you know someone else who could.